Zombies!

Welcome to Zombieland. Population: Fun! (And about 15 billion zombies).  If you like zombies, comedy, and violence, then Zombieland is for you.  If you don’t like zombies, comedy, and violence, then nobody likes you anyway.

Jesse Eisenberg plays Columbus, an awkward guy living in a crazy world, trying to find love in an amusement park.  You might remember him from Adventureland, where he played an awkward guy living in a crazy world, trying to find love in an amusement park.

Woody Harrelson plays Tallahassee, Columbus’ cliched polar opposite. But somehow, nothing in the movie feels cliche.  Every time you think you know what’s coming, the movie throws a twist at you.  Usually covered in blood or bullets. Harrelson doesn’t play the lead role, but he completely steals the movie. Without him, the movie would have been much, much worse.

It’s the little details and the one liners in the movie that made me really enjoy the movie. From the ridiculous slow motion scenes to the continuous “rules” that both characters have, there’s very rarely a moment that won’t have you laughing.

The movie isn’t meant to be scary, or taken seriously in the least. There’s the occasional sentimental moment, but these are immediately dispelled with comedy.  The movie is character, rather than plot based. Any mention of the other characters and their roles would spoil the movie, so I won’t mention anything.

And watch out for the greatest cameo in zombie movie history!

So on the recommendation of a friend, I decided to watch two movies from across the (Atlantic) pond.  The first movie was Martyrs, and the second was Bronson. The first one destroyed my life, the second one made me laugh a lot.

Before I talk about Martyrs, I have a confession; I can’t watch movies with gore.  I’m not talking about cheesy action movie gore, but detailed, created for the purpose of disgusting you gore in the style of Hostel and Saw.  I barely made it through about 3 of the Saw movies before deciding it just wasn’t worth it anymore.  Martyrs is an odd movie.  To call it a movie created solely to gross people out would be a mistake, but it does contain a lot of graphic violence. The first half of the movie contains a lot of suspense, dark insinuations, and blurred memories.  The second half is pounding, gore pornography.  It eventually ends with some vague philosophical, moral lesson, but not enough to justify the graphic content of the movie to me.

Bronson was a fun ride most of the way through.  A fictionalized account of Britain’s most violent prisoner, the movie follows the life of Charles Bronson, the man who loves prison so much, that he’ll do anything to stay in it.  Much like Martyrs, the movie is disturbing, but at a more fundamental level.  Bronson is a man who’s violent for the sake of violence. Tom Hardy plays the role of a lifetime, as he kicks, punches, dances, and even…paints his way across the screen. The sharp savagery is interspersed with monologues by Bronson in exaggerated stage makeup, speaking to an imaginary audience. Somehow Hardy manages to make these scenes even more disturbing than graphic violence.

The movie explores how flawed the justice system can be, and what happens when you introduce someone into jail who actually wants to be there. The movie is also really, really funny, especially when they put Bronson in situations where he has to act like a normal human being. His attempted courtship of someone who really has no wish of being courted is especially humorous.

My only gripe with the movie is the sometimes unnecessarily slow scenes.

One scene in particular stands out; Bronson dancing at a lunatic asylum, while the camera zooms slowly… very, very slowly.  This is repeated with other scenes, like Bronson sitting in a chair. I don’t have to be a film student to say that scenes like these were out of place, and very boring in a movie that was definitely not meant to be a slow drama.

I know Bronson is going to be released soon in North America (or has it been released already?), but I would say the trailers misrepresent the movie somewhat.  It’s worth more a rental than a theatre visit.

Look at me, I'm mad.

Disappointingly the show doesn’t focus on a lunatic asylum, but rather on a mid sized advertising agency on Madison Avenue.  The cast is rather large, but the show knows to keep the focus on its nucleus, the nuclear family of Don Draper.  Everyone else is very well fleshed out, but there’s no sense of aimless meandering.  Major events in the shows time period are woven into the character’s story lines (sometimes a little too conveniently), and issues like sexism are tackled in almost every episode.  Watch this show.

Today’s premiere of House was fantastic.  It’s obvious they’re trying to re-invent the show.  Five seasons of disease-theory-medication-new theory-it’s not lupus-revelation-cure has been getting really boring, even with the addition of suicides, hallucinations, and strippers.  Strippers were a great idea though.  Season six needs more of those.  Interestingly, Hugh Laurie was the only regular from the show in the two hour premiere (with a brief phone cameo by Robert Sean Leonard’s Wilson).  In another interesting note, I had to briefly check wiki to figure out Robert Sean Leonard’s name, and thirty minutes later i’m reading some article about skinheads.  Damn.

I'm also mad. Because i'm in an asylum.

I also caught around ten minutes of Heroes. Some dude was slashing the hot Ali Larter around with a knife, but she turned into ice or something.  Then Nate was Sylar, and Sylar was Nate, and Parkman cried a lot.  Then I changed the channel to something better, like blurry static.

Static. Now better than Heroes.

Curb Your Enthusiasm was in it’s usual form.  ”Seinfeld on Crack” is the best description for that show I’ve heard. Larry David can make the most mundane social rituals seem hilarious, like etiquette on taking things out of someone else’s refrigerator, or asking about the guest list for a dinner party.  There was also a special pre-season episode talking about re-building the Seinfeld sets for the upcoming FULL CAST SEINFELD REUNION.  AWESOME.  FULL CAPS LOCK AWESOME.  Hmm, that’s almost an expletive.  FULL CAPS LOCK.  FCLOCK? FCOCKING AWESOME?

Bored to Death is a show i’m going to be keeping an eye on in the near future.  An HBO mystery series, it’s got the usual quirky indie humour that seems to be all the rage nowadays.  Jason Schwartzman plays a slightly depressed novelist who turns to unlicensed detective work to spice up his life.  It’s got Ted Danson, and that fat dude from The Hangover (I should really find out what his real name is.) It’s not a conventional mystery show, and a fun watch.

Look at me, i'm an unlicenced detective.

The musical comedy that’s funny for now, but is about to become boring soon… Glee. It’s funny, but there’s just something missing from this show.  It’s entertaining, but not worth going out of the way to catch every week.  An episode here and there is good enough.  I’ll probably be done in another episode or so.

Unfortunately, I’ve dropped Californication and Dexter. I’m around a season behind on both shows, something I need to correct soon.   There’s no reason behind the stoppage.  They’re both great, I have just been lazy.

I know i’m late on the boat (What a stupid expression.  I think I just made that up. How can you be late on a boat.  Do I hire another boat to reach the boat i’m late for?  Do I get airlifted?), but I just finished watching the whole of True Blood. The long string of shitty vampire movies and shows inspired by .. you know what.. stopped me from watching it initially, but then I finally caved after hearing nothing but good about it.  It’s addictive, and fun.  Anna Paquin is talented, but let’s be straight; she’s no looker.  She looks better in the second season, but the first season had some cringe worthy moments. Either way, even Anna Paquin can’t make this show bad.  It’s great.  It’s the vampire show that got it right, mixing the gothic with reality successfully. Oh, and they all have funny Louisiana accents.

SOOKEH IS MAHN.

And talking of guilty pleasures, Gossip Girl recovered from a horrible season premiere.  The second episode was much better than the horrible first.  Yes, I watch Gossip Girl.  No, that’s not weird.  Or creepy. I’m in the company of outstanding citizens like this man, who dressed up as a firefighter to carry out arson and rape.

…

FML.

Violent, Intelligent, Fun.

Inglourious Basterds is a classic Tarantino movie.  That alone should be enough, but a one line review would be odd.  A perfect mix of satirical violence and intelligent dialogue, Inglourious Basterds is a spaghetti western set in World War II. Sitting in the the theater for 2 hours and 40 minutes was a first, but the movie manages to stay fresh throughout.  This is surprising considering it uses practically the same formula for every “chapter”.  In true Tarantino style, the movie is divided into a series of inter-related vignettes mostly consisting of some intensive conversation with two or three people, followed by short bursts of intensive violence.

Tarantino is never afraid to get graphic, and the camera never balks from showing even the most gruesome acts of war.   There’s not much “war” in this World War II flick, but when some does occur it leaves an impression.  Much of the movie isn’t actually about the Basterds, but focuses on a wide range of characters in civilian situations.  Brad Pitt (in my opinion) took a backseat to Melanie Laurent, Christoph Waltz, Diane Kruger, and Daniel Bruhl.  If you haven’t heard any of those names, it’s because none of them are mainstream Hollywood at all.

Tarantino opted for authenticity as opposed to star power and it shows in the movie. A lot of the dialogue is in German or French, and the little English that is spoken is usually with a heavy accent denoting the speaker’s country.  Other than a short cameo by Mike Myer’s, this was the one movie where I felt that the accents were genuine (which in most cases they were), and not an act.  The actual acting was top notch.  The only under-performer was B.J. Novak, but since he had around three lines the entire movie it didn’t really annoy me.

As for the actual plot,don’t expect a movie that’s a stickler for historical accuracy.  In fact it’s just the opposite, with history being hugely re-written for the sake of the movie, and that’s perfectly fine.  The movie deals mainly with a plot to kill Joseph Goebbels in a movie theater, mixed in with the Nazi persecution of the Jewish population of France. Or to be more accurate, the Jewish persecution of the Nazis’s, whenever the Basterds are on film. Tarantino has an art of making violence amusing, and Basterds does this throughout.  From numerous Mexican standoffs in unlikely situations, to the psychological threat of the “BEAR JEW”, there was rarely a moment where I wasn’t laughing even while wincing at the graphic beatdowns.

I have no idea why the movie is spelled “Inglourious”, as opposed to “Inglorious”, but it was a damn sight better than District 9. (Sorry, still sore about how underachieving that movie was).

Says it all.

I’ve often said I try and go into movies with no expectations.  I broke this rule for District 9.  I went into the theatre expecting a good movie by Peter Jackson.  I left theater after watching a mediocre movie by Neill Blomkamp. That’s right, Peter Jackson didn’t even direct the movie.  He produced it, which is why all the trailers and even the movie has “PETER JACKSON PRESENTS” in gigantic letters everywhere.  Neill Blomkamp was the real director, and come on, can you really trust someone who spells Neil with two “L’s”?  Still, I guess producing is more of a claim to the movie than Quentin Tarantino “presenting” Hero.

The first trailers for District 9 showed an interesting premise; a colony of stranded, mistreated, unwanted aliens on earth, who mysteriously all disappear one day.  A great premise for a movie.  Except for the minor fact that nothing in that trailer actually happens in the movie. The later trailers were slightly better in terms of foreshadowing the actual plot,  but still took the liberty of adding in many scenes that just never happened in the movie.

As for the actual movie, it was divided into two acts.  One was a social allegory, with the aliens being compared to the under trodden minorities present in every society. It shows how cruel man can be, with bureaucracy being used as a tool to justify acts of unwarranted cruelty.  Then the movie turns into Rambo 64: RAMBO VS ALIENS.   Except instead of Rambo, we have an annoying anti-hero with a whiny voice named Wikas.  Yeah, the annoying geek has decided he’s had enough, and he’s going to KICK SOME ASS.  But wait, what about all the plot and character development, the intense drama, and the social allegory leading up to this?  Screw that, PUT HIM IN A HUGE SUIT WHICH SUCKS UP BULLETS.  Ok, admittedly that part was awesome.

The point is, the characters and plot often switched directions tangentially, with barely any justification behind the reasoning.  Halfway through the movie it became an action film, the type that required you to turn your brain off to truly enjoy.  But since the first half of the movie was spent trying to convince you that this movie was a cut above the rest, the downturn was especially disappointing.  The first half was filled with intense scenes that made you empathize with the characters, while the second half destroyed all the realism and emotional stake invested in the characters.  I didn’t hate the movie.  I  thought it was average, maybe slightly below average, and I just don’t understand the  hype.

Here’s a loose summary of the movie.  Big spoilers.

Two characters, Wikas and CJ (an alien).

Wikas: Hey dude, i’m telling you and your friends to get out of the houses you’ve lived in for 20 years.  Oh, and i’m going to kill your best friend right in front of your face.  And because that’s not enough, i’m stealing this cylinder that you’ve worked 20 years towards putting together, and which is the only chance your race has of escape.

*Few minutes later*

Wikas:  Dude CJ, i’m totally screwed.  Help me out man

CJ: That’s cool buddy,

*Few minutes of RAMBO occur*

Wikas: Dude, you’re taking too long.  I’m just going to go ahead and steal your ship.  I know it’s the only chance your race has and all that, but i’m sure I can figure out this totally unknown technology in that ship which might not work, to fix my very DNA.  Oh, and i’m going to steal your son.  But after I knock you out with this shovel.

CJ: Well, fuck.

*Few minutes of MORE RAMBO occur*

CJ: It’s cool dude, I totally forgive you.

Wikas: I’m an alien making roses.

Me: What?

“OMG-IF-YOU-SEE-SOMEONE-STANDING-UP-AND-YELLING-IT’S-ME-OH-MY-GOD-I-LOVE-HARRY-POTTER-I-LOVE-DRACO-SO-MUCH-OH-MY-GOD-IS-THIS-SHERLOCK-HOLMES-THAT’S-NOT-WHAT-HE-LOOKS-LIKE-THIS-ISN’T-LIKE-THE-BOOKS-OH-MY-GOD-IS-THAT-TWILIGHT-I-HATE-KRISTEN-BELL”

Yes.  I had the luck (I forgot my Felix Felices at home) of sitting near an Endless Talker.  Not only that, but an Endless Talker who was a devout fan of the series.  The talk started during the previews.  It continued into the movie.  It was still going through the credits.

If you don’t like surprises, this was the theater to be sitting in.  Luckily this intelligent young woman had every major plot twist and piece of dialogue in the film memorized beforehand, and had no compunctions about reciting them aloud before it happened.  Not only that, but she was also happy to provide running commentary about every single character in the movie.

Especially Draco.  She loved him.  She loved his hair, and his pants. She loved everything about him except his feet.  Yes, she disliked Draco’s feet, and wanted the world to know.  SHE COMMENTED ABOUT HIS FEET.  DURING THE MOVIE.

Did someone tell her to shut up?  Of course.  Did it work?  No.   As for me, it was almost a perverse pleasure. I honestly wanted to see how annoyed I could really get.  And I got annoyed.  As I’m typing this out, I can still hear her voice droning through my head.  Ruining every major line by muttering it.  Commenting on what was in the movie, and what wasn’t in the book.  Talking about how cute Ron and Hermione looked together.  About how much Snugglehorn looked like an old Grandpa.  About how the girl sitting next to her was the only person she wanted to hug.

I plan on seeing this movie again.  It was hard to make out what was going on, since I was continuously banging my head on the seat in front of me.  The only saving grace was that the movie was free.

BLAH BLAH BLAH

• If you watch the movie `Jaws’ backwards, it’s a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach.
• If you watch MacGuyver backwards, it’s about a guy who always manages to find the toothpick, paperclip, stick of gum, or aluminum foil that’s holding some amazing machine together, then taking it out. What a dick.
• If you watch the movie Titanic backwards, its about the citizens of the lost city of Atlanitis finally escaping to the surface in a giant iron clad boat.

• If you watch The Big Lebowski backwards The Dude finally gets his rug back.

• If you watch Back to the Future backwards, it’s about a bunch of people who know a bunch of things that already happened.
• If you watch Alice in Wonderland backwards, it’s about a girl who lives in a funny surrealistic world but then falls asleep and has a really boring dream

• If you watch Heroes backwards you realize that it’s been getting progressively better over time.

• If you watch Scarface backwards, it’s about a man who gives up cocaine and crime to follow his dream of becoming a dishwasher to earn enough money so he can visit Cuba.

• If you watch Jeopardy! backwards, it’s a show about rich people paying money for answers to stupid questions.

• If you watch Rambo backwards, it’s Sylvester Stallone healing people with his magical bullet vacuum.

• If you watch Fight Club backwards, you see Ed Norton turn from a crazy streetperson into a successful productive member of society.

• If you watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy backwards, it’s a saga about a little guy who gets a cool ring from a volcano and spends the rest of the films walking home.
• If you watch Alien backwards, a large monster gets tiny and climbs inside a guy’s chest, calming down a panicking crew.

• If you watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button backwards it’s about a normal person

And finally, my personal favourite:

If you watch House backwards, it’s still never lupus.

I can’t believe this was an actual study.  The people at Radboud University must have run out of all the good things to research.

Researcher 1: Let’s do a research project!

Researcher 2: A real research project?  One where we actually have to do research?

Researcher 1: Nah.  Let’s just stick some shitty American Teen movies on, fill the fridge with booze, and we’ll make up the reasons later.

Researcher 2: Sounds good!  I’m sure some terrible news service will pick up on it later!

Seriously.  They were trying to figure out whether advertising for alcohol worked.  I’m pretty sure people figured out advertising worked before Christ was born.  Especially advertising for alcohol.  Ancient Romans probably had advertisments at the Circus Maximus for their local brands of firewater in between people getting mauled by lions.

The bright folks at Radboud U. also wanted to find out if alcohol references in movies caused people to crave alcohol.  This is new, groundbreaking territory.  Companies like Coke and GMC must have been spending their millions to get their products advertised on TV shows on pure guesswork alone.

Their recommendations are awesome too.

“He said the findings suggested there may be an argument for restricting advertising and introducing warnings on films.”

“Hi, we’re going to be showing you people drinking alcohol in the movie, but please…don’t drink alcohol.”  Yeah.  THAT’LL WORK FOR SURE.

——

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/03/04/green.bullets/index.html?eref=rss_us

Hunters are worried about the environment.  In other news, the KKK has announced their new leader: Al Sharpton.

According to the article, people are worried that birds eating the toxic bullets could get poisoned and die. Yeah.  It’s not like the hunters were using the bullets to kill other animals or anything like that.  They came to feed the wildlife, and then left the nasty toxic bullets behind by accident.

Here’s an idea:  if you want to stop the death of animals, how about STOP HUNTING?!

The best part is, the hunters association recently donated Venison to a local program for the hungry.  Venison filled with lead bullets.  Hunters suck.

We don't care about you?

I wonder how many times that pun’s been made.  Probably too many times at this point in time.  Lost.  Lost is that girl you had a fling with many years back, but you just can’t break contact with her now.  When you met her she was fun, she was exciting, there were so many new possibilities; you ignored your friends and everyone else just to be with her.  Then after a while, you realized she’s turned into a crack addict turning tricks on the street. Yes, i’m still talking about Lost…I think.  Now you’re embarrassed to admit you’re still talking to her, but every once in a while she fools you with the glimpse of reformation, only to dash it down again.

Lost had such a great start.  Season one was exciting.  The show gave us a whole cast of characters with interesting stories, and hints of a greater backstory that connects them all.  Five years later and we’re on Season 5.  We now have a whole cast of characters with stories that have been done to death, and hints of a greater backstory.  We still have no idea why they’re connected.  We have no idea why the island has special powers.  And that silly SMOKE MONSTER is still running around rampant for no reason.  For every answer they give us, they tease us with five more questions.  It’s not unintentional, it’s the very nature of the show.  If this formula has been working five years, there’s no reason for them to stop.

I just wish the show hadn’t chosen to delve into the supernatural.  Its like watching Gone With the Wind, except halfway through the movie Clark Gable reveals himself to be a time traveling alien.

The worst part about the show is that nobody can stop watching it, including myself.  We’ve come so far, we’ve spent so much time, we NEED the answers.  We don’t care how absurd the answers are.  We just need something.  At this point, i’ll accept it if they reveal the island is actually the Cloverfield monster, and a distant relative of Jesus.

Will the writers ever give us answers? Will the show have a good ending?  Do I like or dislike this show?  Will I keep watching?  Will you keep watching?  Will I ever write about Lost again?  Is this ice-cream delicious?  Tune in next time, to find none of the answers.

Freida Pinto, in one of the movies many awesome shots

It’s finally time for me to tackle this movie, but first, a little background is in order I think.  I was born in India (though now living in Toronto), so i’ve had my fair share of exposure to Bollywood.  And to be honest, I dislike most Bollywood movies.  There’s plenty of things I don’t like about them; the fact that no movie really has a “genre”.  A lot of Bollywood movie try to be a comedy, a drama an action movie, and a musical all rolled into one.  I think I finally quit Bollywood movies after watching a Rickshaw chase a car in slow motion, then exploding.  No seriously.  I wish I was joking.

Oh my God.

Of course, i’m not saying all Bollywood movies are like this, there are a few that I do like.  The point is, this was the mindset I had when I watched Slumdog Millionare.  I like knowing as little about a movie as possible before watching it, so I have very few expectations.  And I was mostly impressed.

Slumdog Millionaire is not a Bollywood movie.  The movie is based off the Book “Q & A”  by Vikas Swarup.  It’s directed by Danny Boyle, whom you’ll probably know from Trainspotting and 28 Days Later.  The cast is all Indian, and fans of Indian movies will probably recognize familiar faces like Anil Kapoor and Irfan Khan (The Namesake).  There are no dance sequences except at the very end, which is amusingly satirical and runs through the credits.

Dev Patel and Anil Kapoor

The movie can best be described as a modern day fairytale.  Jamal Malik (Dev Patel) from the slums of India has the chance to become a millionaire through a gameshow where each of the questions reflects an important moment in his life.  It’s a laughable premise, but it works.   The host is played by Anil Kapoor, who does a great job as an egoistical self obessed celebrity doing his best to upstage Jamal while keeping his public appearance normal.  The story mainly centers around the relationship between three people; Jamal, his brother Salim, and Latika, the love of Jamal’s life.  It’s a story that is designed to continuously  tug at the heartstrings.  Seriously, Jamal can’t seem to take two steps without life throwing something at him to screw him up. But it never really becomes generic.  Just as you think you can predict the movie, it throws something at you that makes you go…”wow”.  The characters were probably the most generic thing about the movie.  They were all giant cliches.

But the story wasn’t really the thing that impressed me the most.  What did blow my mind was just how the movie was presented. Great editing, huge colours and fancy camerawork all go together to capture the pulsing heartbeat of Indian life.  All the acting in the movie is great too.  The only thing lacking was the chemistry between Jamal and Latika in their elder years. Their interaction seemed forced to me, and when they delivered their lines to each other it actually made me roll my eyes.  Of course, that just might be me.

Talking of good acting, there’s this dude.

PURE SLIME

I’ve never seen a slimier character in a movie.  This dude could give lessons on how to act like the biggest creep you’ve ever met.  I really think they just picked up a random pedophile from the street and stuck him in this movie.  I could write a whole other post on the aura of sliminess this guy gives off.

Oh, and finally, the music in this movie is great. It’s done by A.R. Rahman, who has done the music for every single Indian movie ever made since the beginning of time apparently.  I don’t know how he finds the time.

One last thing, unrelated to the movie.  I think you’ll have to inform me if you’ve left a comment, since each of my posts gets hit by around 70-80 spambots, so I just delete them whole without really looking at them.